Perfectionism and me

some crap about my perfectionism...

Step 1: In your journal, answer the following questions:

a. What characteristics of perfectionism are true for me? How do these perfectionistic traits impede my efforts to change my problematic behavior?

"It is unacceptable to make a mistake. I have no value in life unless I am successful. There is no sense in trying to do something unless I can do it perfectly, e.g., ``I don't attempt things I can't do well.'' I am a human being prone to error, frailty and imperfections; The ideal is what is real; unless I reach the ideal I am a failure. You must always reach the ideal no matter what. If those in authority say this is the way it is supposed to be, then that is the way it is supposed to be. "


These negative and perfectionist traits impede my efforts by reminding me that I am prone to error and not perfect until it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and I just get depressed about it.




b. What irrational beliefs of perfectionists do I ascribe to? How do these beliefs influence my desire to change? How do these beliefs contribute to a failure script in my efforts to change? What rational alternatives can I adopt to reduce the negative impact of perfectionism in my life?

Sometimes I want to change, but I always feel like it's too hard, and I never will achieve what I set out to do anyway so there's no point in trying.. Or sometimes, others are so great at what they do that they never have to go through any of the things that I experience.

c. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life? What am I doing to address these negative issues in my life? How do these negative issues affect my past and current efforts to change my problematical behavior?

I end up feeling really bad about dumb things that other people could care less about, and I spend hours upon hours beating myself up for things that aren't worth the drama. When I feel stupid, I'm even less motivated to change my behavior because it sends me into a sort of low-self-esteem and depression spiral. This can get really bad, as it usually does in winter.

d. What new rational behavior do I need to develop in order to overcome the negative impact of perfectionism? How will these new behavior traits help me to fully achieve change in my life?

I need to accept that one mistake is not the end of the world. I already know that it's not because I've screwed things up before. And the more pressure I put on myself to succeed without incident, the more nervous and more likely I am to fuck things up. If I could just relax and be a little more low key, perhaps people would like me better as well, and then I could be happier in my life in addition to being less of a high-strung person.

e. How can my social support system help me in overcoming my perfectionistic attitude? What contributes to perfectionism in my support system? What changes in my support system would reduce its perfectionistic character?

I don't know anyone in my own life who isn't a perfectionist. P. might not be, but I know my mom is, and I suspect the same thing is true of my dad. It affects them in different ways, however. If I could deal less with them, then I'd probably be less likely to feel worthless. But it's not their fault.. it's an internal punishment thing I seem to do.
f. How does dealing with my perfectionism help me in my efforts to change? How well does perfectionism explain why past attempts to change have failed?

If all human beings are imperfect, yet one must reach the ideal at all times and all costs, how can this theory be correct? It seems fundamentally flawed. Even the theory of perfectionism itself is imperfect! Crazy.

That just further cements the idea that nothing really has the capacity to be perfect. So why do I even try to be perfect? Because I want to.. but I end up so frustrated. I should just try to be me and let that be good enough.



I'm still workin on things here.

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

On Aging

I'd hate to sound like I'm always whining/complaining about something, but this has been on my mind for awhile.

I know that nobody really wants to get old, that it's a side effect of living. I suppose that if one's enjoying one's life, then it's not such a big deal to get old. That just means you've got yet more days to enjoy life for what it is. But I sit and think about aging and I get frightened. And if I'm not frightened, then I'm rather disgusted.

Sometimes I can see the appeal in "live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse."



I love my parents mightily. They're wonderful people, full of wisdom and fun (for the most part). But I hate to hear them complain about their aches and pains, high blood pressure, etc. Just yesterday, on our way home from church, we had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my dad's prescription and I was reminded of their aging. I remember when he was a younger, more vigorous man. He would lay on his back with his knees propped up. Then he'd sit both me and my brother on his feet and raise his feet and lower legs as though they were on hinges. My brother and I would hold on for dear life and it felt just like a roller coaster, just like we were about to slide off Daddy's legs and onto his stomach. It's a shame to think that that kind of thing won't happen anymore, probably not even with his grandchildren. By the time they're born, he'll be way too old and too weak.

It's rather disappointing to see the way that age saps the vitality from those who were once sprightly. As a matter of fact, the more vigorous a person is in youth, the more heartbreaking it is to see him get older and slower, losing that energy that seemed to lighten him from within.

Not that old people's lights are all extinguished. Far from it. I'd say my grandma looks way better at 70 than some women who are 20 years younger. But she does look like my grandma. And I know that one day she won't be able to make these cross-country trips to visit us for every little milestone in our lives.

Right now, I'm just really enjoying being young. I'm limber, capable of recharging my energy quickly, capable of quick wit and adapting to change. My skin is elastic and as yet unwrinkled. I'm grateful for that, but I don't want to get too caught up in it, as any deviation from this norm will probably just remind me of my own mortality.

Sometimes I can see the appeal in "live fast; die young, and leave a beautiful corpse".

Aging isn't something meant to be feared or dreaded, however. I'd like to suggest that every gray hair, every age spot and wrinkle is a badge of honor earned for courage in the face of life's uncertainties, which anyone who's lived long enough knows are many. I am thankful for each moment now, and for any opportunities to experience future seconds. I want to see the progression of my own life, and the only way to do that is to live it. Age doesn't necessarily breed wisdom, but it does breed experience, wisdom's precursor. So.. in that sense, I'm looking forward to continuing my own journey. We'll see where the road leads.

the weekend wrap

Rereading my last couple of posts, it seems like my life is pretty much all bad. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I remember right after graduation from U of M this past April I felt the hugest sense of possibility, like anything could happen. While some people would get unnerved by that sense, it just felt like tons of doors were now opened to me, that I'd been accepted into a highly selective group of individuals who had accomplished the same achievement as me. I still feel that sense of possibility even now, despite the uselessness of my BA.

Another cool feature of my life that bears mentioning is the increase in relationship possibilities. Now, let me make it clear that I sincerely don't have plans for marriage in the near future. As a matter of fact, I have every intention of finishing law school before I even begin to plan that aspect of my life. Right now it's just nice to have more than one, or even a couple of options. I like the qualities of these guys, and although there are some things I'd like to change, I'm not in any hurry. Besides, I coupld probably use some more work on myself as well.

It'd be great to have a steady job in which I could establish myself before law school starts in what looks like a month and a half. I can hardly believe that I'll be a student again in graduate/professional school. It barely feels like I finished everything I was supposed to accomplish for undergrad, but then again, they still have yet to mail my diploma.

Well, there are still a couple weeks left on my contract at my temp job. It's nice to feel like I'm established there and that people know and like me. I feel like I do a good job, for the most part, even though some corners don't get settled as well as others. This job really requires integrity and commitment to doing a job well. That's important, especially with the way things are gonna go very soon. Sorry if that was terribly cryptic, but I just don't feel like going into detail.

That's about it for this time. I'm excited about this coming week as I will be having an overnight guest. We have no plans for that kind of intimacy, but it's still exciting to know that I'll have him all to myself for a night. Woohoo, sleepovers are the best!

Have a great Monday.

Transmissions from the Margin

I've never claimed to be a perfect person, and I don't expect that other people will be either. I've made my share of racist jokes at one point or another, and there's always a small part of me that cringes in spite of the laughter, knowing that it's not right. Despite these shortcomings, however, I consider myself considerate enough of other people not to really go there unless I'm comfortable enough with them to make that kind of remark.

The sad part is that, in this world, I'm constantly reminded that I'm a black person. The problem isn't that I don't want to be black, but that I have to be reminded of it constantly. Whether people are actively doing things to me or not, I still have to think about it. That's what's not fair. I try to get some people to understand that the fact that I bring it up to them doesn't imply that I believe them to be racists.. and it's really sad that all arguments about difference are reduced to that point. I don't believe that all white people are overt racists, or even the vast majority. I believe that a lot of white people (and other races as well) are guilty of buying into the system because it serves their purposes. And even though those purposes aren't always for the good, I believe that going along with the system is much easier than pushing against the mob.

I think that it's really sad that some people feel that me having a problem with something that affects me personally as a black person is a sign of weakness. I am not a weak person in need of constant reassurance, and it is wrong for a person capable of sensitivity to ignore or assume that sensitivity is unnecessary. It is wrong to assume that we are all on equal footing; we are not. Despite all the gains that society has made to equalize, women are still shortchanged with pay and nonwhites are just that: nonwhites. We are marginalized against a standard that uses white people as the normal. It is unfair that people think that this argument is a position that should be held by blacks, and that my blackness is the only reason I hold these beliefs. It seems as though because of that fact, this argument becomes trivialized. Life's not fair, but I shouldn't just have to "deal with it". It should be made equitable.

Sometimes I feel like white people have "allowed" us into "their" world. I want to feel entitled to a space where I am, as a person, legitimized--not because of my skin tone or my vagina, but because I am me.


Thus ends my rant for today.

it's never enough.

So... I've always been terribly high strung, despite any outward attempts to keep things cool and easy. Ever since I was little, I've been a bundle of nerves, always trying to please people: parents, friends (the few I was able to keep--most people were too much work so I dropped 'em like bad habits), boyfriends, teachers, bosses. And even though there were always tons of things I did right, at the end of the day, I could never stop harping on all the negative things that I managed to squeeze into the stream of good things I accomplished.

I, like many other pop psychologists would analyze my insane desire to please thusly:

1. Perfectionism: I'm so hung up on doing things perfectly that I worry myself into failure. This morning, for example, I was stocking the work refrigerators with grapefruit juice (as part of my other administrative assistant duties) and the plastic cover that I was holding the box by popped loose, letting 24 individual bottles of grapefruit juice skitter across the floor. I was right in front of an open doorway of developers and the only word that would describe my feelings is "mortification". I let out this unearthly "UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" that must have sounded like pain to the girl who works at the desk a few feet away from me, and she came running out to check. And that just made me even more embarrassed. But why freak out so much about it when accidents just happen? That's the perfectionism in me.

2. "Middle Child Syndrome": I've coined a new psychological term! Well, maybe not, but I'm sure you all know what I mean by this. The middle child wants to please her parents in order to get attention so she does whatever they want in order to make sure that they're pleased with her and don't forget her. See, this would make a lot more sense if I was actually a middle child. In reality, I'm the youngest of only two kids. So what's up with that?

3. Fear of Rejection: I struggle with this constantly. No matter how accepted I am, I don't want to ever feel rejected. So, I strive to give people no reason not to like me. And I equate my personal value with my work. Yes, I know it's a fault, but I really just want people to be okay with me, and then maybe--just maybe--I could be okay with myself. That's the lame foundation I'm built on.

This one Mad TV episode featured a psychologist who claimed to cure a patient of any bad habit, phobia, complex, or anything, in five minutes or less. The gag was that the guy would see these patients with supremely complicated issues and tell them these three words: "Just STOP it!".

"But doctor," she'd protest, "This advice really isn't helpin--"

"Just STOP it!" The doctor just cuts her off again.


Anyway, there are things about myself I know I should change, but I can't really accomplish much with "Just STOP it!" The problem with me from 2 years ago, was that I just didn't have the tools to change what I needed to change in my life. Once I got more of what I needed, things went much better and I felt happier. I just want to be in control, and not to have to worry about things.

In thinking about one of the better relationships that I've had (which failed, incidentally lol) I realized that what drew me to the person was the feeling that I could be myself, and that whatever I was--whoever I was--that was perfectly okay. As a matter of fact, even when I completely embarrassed myself in ways that human beings really shouldn't, he still found me as interesting, valuable, and lovable. It wasn't despite my flaws.. it was more like he wanted me with all of them.

I know that one day I'll be really loved like that again.

But I'm not holding my breath.