it's never enough.

So... I've always been terribly high strung, despite any outward attempts to keep things cool and easy. Ever since I was little, I've been a bundle of nerves, always trying to please people: parents, friends (the few I was able to keep--most people were too much work so I dropped 'em like bad habits), boyfriends, teachers, bosses. And even though there were always tons of things I did right, at the end of the day, I could never stop harping on all the negative things that I managed to squeeze into the stream of good things I accomplished.

I, like many other pop psychologists would analyze my insane desire to please thusly:

1. Perfectionism: I'm so hung up on doing things perfectly that I worry myself into failure. This morning, for example, I was stocking the work refrigerators with grapefruit juice (as part of my other administrative assistant duties) and the plastic cover that I was holding the box by popped loose, letting 24 individual bottles of grapefruit juice skitter across the floor. I was right in front of an open doorway of developers and the only word that would describe my feelings is "mortification". I let out this unearthly "UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" that must have sounded like pain to the girl who works at the desk a few feet away from me, and she came running out to check. And that just made me even more embarrassed. But why freak out so much about it when accidents just happen? That's the perfectionism in me.

2. "Middle Child Syndrome": I've coined a new psychological term! Well, maybe not, but I'm sure you all know what I mean by this. The middle child wants to please her parents in order to get attention so she does whatever they want in order to make sure that they're pleased with her and don't forget her. See, this would make a lot more sense if I was actually a middle child. In reality, I'm the youngest of only two kids. So what's up with that?

3. Fear of Rejection: I struggle with this constantly. No matter how accepted I am, I don't want to ever feel rejected. So, I strive to give people no reason not to like me. And I equate my personal value with my work. Yes, I know it's a fault, but I really just want people to be okay with me, and then maybe--just maybe--I could be okay with myself. That's the lame foundation I'm built on.

This one Mad TV episode featured a psychologist who claimed to cure a patient of any bad habit, phobia, complex, or anything, in five minutes or less. The gag was that the guy would see these patients with supremely complicated issues and tell them these three words: "Just STOP it!".

"But doctor," she'd protest, "This advice really isn't helpin--"

"Just STOP it!" The doctor just cuts her off again.


Anyway, there are things about myself I know I should change, but I can't really accomplish much with "Just STOP it!" The problem with me from 2 years ago, was that I just didn't have the tools to change what I needed to change in my life. Once I got more of what I needed, things went much better and I felt happier. I just want to be in control, and not to have to worry about things.

In thinking about one of the better relationships that I've had (which failed, incidentally lol) I realized that what drew me to the person was the feeling that I could be myself, and that whatever I was--whoever I was--that was perfectly okay. As a matter of fact, even when I completely embarrassed myself in ways that human beings really shouldn't, he still found me as interesting, valuable, and lovable. It wasn't despite my flaws.. it was more like he wanted me with all of them.

I know that one day I'll be really loved like that again.

But I'm not holding my breath.