*sigh*

From the looks of this blog, my life must appear to be one uncertainty after the other, with things never looking up. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, when I get worried and things stop looking their best, I start not liking myself. When that happens (sometimes frequently), I'll go inside myself and just pick apart what it is that displeases me about myself. Needless to say, I'm by no means easy on me, either.

But anyway...

Things began yesterday with a concession and continued today with a revelation--sort of.

My boyfriend P. came over yesterday afternoon, as planned, and we spent some time hanging out at my parents' house. We always have fun together anyway--sometimes too much fun and then end up furiously..umm..relieving ourselves once we're separated from each other. I don't think I need to tell you how frustrating this has become, but we don't want to put too much pressure on something that's still new and fragile. Well, that's more like how he feels. I'm more like trying to figure out why he's less than enthusiastic about things.

Being the person that I am, at my core I want to put pressure on him without putting pressure on him. It's just turning out that me trying to be lenient is making things worse for him by annoying the crap out of him and making him insensitive to my demands. What it's doing to me is making me feel like I have to restrain both word and deed around him, since it makes us both crazy. And sometimes it makes me a bitch. But back to yesterday:

So it's around 9 and I'm thinking that I need to be getting him back to the train station so he can catch the one he was supposed to get and go home. He doesn't want to leave yet and, even though we said that me taking him all the way back to where he lives (an hour away each way), he suggests that we watch a movie because he "really wants to". I personally don't like movies as I have a somewhat short attention span and can't really get into plots all that well. But he wants to, so I agree, albeit reluctantly. He swears up and down that it's a 45 minute trip each way, not an hour, like I know that it is (since I've driven it once before). But I agree and make that long-ass commute at 11pm.

I don't get home until 12:40-ish. My mom is pissed, as she swears up and down that I never said I was taking him that far. She thought I was just taking him to the local train which would get him downtown which would get him home. The thing that makes me mad is that he knew it would get me in trouble with my mom but he thought that I could just make it up to her by being good later.

Can you believe that? He doesn't care about me getting in trouble with my parents.. he just wants what he wants when he wants it, and he won't give me the same consideration. So that hurt me.. a lot.. cuz it sort of means that he doesn't really give a shit what happens, especially since it shouldn't really be that big of a deal to make a dent into my relationship with my parents. And yet, when I asked him to tell his parents about me, he refused because he doesn't have "that kind of relationship with them where it's ok to tell them things like that". I just got hosed.

So now my mom won't speak to me, and my dad's angry with me too. And this other guy basically said I was a gold-digging bitch that won't give it up, and I just feel like nobody ever wants me to say no to them but they still won't give me what I want either. It's not fair, and I just feel so frustrated that I could sit here at work and start bawling my eyes out.

I can't stop thinking about February and whether or not that has anything to do with me being unable to say no right now. I wish I could talk to a counselor or something, but I definitely can't afford that right now. So there's really nothing I can do but just wait for the storm to pass, I guess. I dunno.

It's not that everything's always wrong in my life, just that I turn to blogging when things look bleak.

Sometimes I wonder...

...what it's like for people who have interests in everything. They seem so happy, with all their Saturdays and Sundays planned, schedule highlighted in shades of green and yellow.
Plans. A color-coded life.

So much to keep track of. So many opinions to label and categorize.

How can you keep from spreading yourself too thin?

I prefer not to form opinions of things. Or, rather, I never care enough to do so. There's so much to maintain in my own life, how can I be an informed citizen of the world with enough fire and passion to add spark to the causes for which people fight and die? It's not that I don't care about the people facing the issues. It's that the issues themselves seem like so much self-imposed heartache. We could all get along better if we didn't try so hard.

But then I think how that must look to other people. My unabridged list of interests can't compare to the involvement of the average person these days. We're for; we're against. Personally.. I'd rather be neither/nor.

confessions of an almost-1L

Anyway, I was just thinking about myself. Everyone has those times when she doubts her own worth and wonders if she's really good enough. Today, I keep wondering what about me makes me good enough to go to law school.. there are so many other people who seeem brighter and much more adept than I am, and yet they're not in the same position. Why? Or a better question: why not? If I deserve this, as people claim, then why don't those other people who have scads of info bits tucked away in their brains and think much more clearly and rationally than me?


I guess the world's just full of wonders that never cease.

Anyway, I've been doing internet research for tips on going to law school from people who have been where I'll be treading in about...5 weeks or so. I was nervous about college, but I knew I'd make it. Law school's a totally different ballgame, though. From the smartest selection of the most hardworking college students.. the cum laudes and the suma cum laudes, who were valedictorians and salutatorians in high school and who learned to read when they were 2 and 3.. these are the people I'll be up against, fighting tooth and nail to secure a coveted spot in the top 10% of my class. My grades are no longer dependent upon my own best work. In a way, that's hella scary, but in another way it's rather enlightening. It's all out of my hands. So all I can do is my best, as that's the only thing I can control.

In that sense, I guess I'm no longer really apprehensive about law school, just waiting for it all to begin. I want to open myself up to everything that this new experience has to offer. Before that all happens, though, I really need to get my life in order; namely, my living situation needs straightening out. I'm moving into the basement where I can have my own space and stuff, so.. I need to paint it and get carpeting for the floor and decorations and stuff. It's exciting, expensive, and time consuming to decorate a new place, man.

Celebrating Independence Day

I dunno how many other women have brought boyfriends home to meet the parents for the first time. I haven't done it much since my parents are rather nutzo and to date haven't really cared for anyone I wanted to go out with. Yesterday didn't seem like it'd be any different, but then things took a turn for the better.



I haven't been dating P. for very long, but things just seemed to click between us. We started our relationship on a scathing sense of humor and an eye for ribbing one another. It's been difficult, but knowing that he cares as much as he does has made it easier to swallow the insults as easily as I dish them out myself.

Anyway, he'd been over my house before on several unsupervised visits. No, I'm not 16, but I do live with my parents. No worries.. it was while they were vacationing.

Anyways, yesterday my white boyfriend in his white Taurus pulls up in front of the house and steps out into the all-black ghetto neighborhood. Needless to say, things looked a little strange for everyone involved. But my parents were unbelievably gracious for the most part. I was shocked by the facility with which they handled the situation. Everyone except my dad, of course. Since he's been diagnosed with diabetes, he's expecting everyone to fuss and fret over him. So he basically whined and complained about his current situation in front of P. at their first meeting. I was rather mortified, until I got over it.

I'm dating a boy with a Jewish heritage and it seems like my mom was trying to force-feed him just like a Jewish mother would. (No offense to any Jewish moms out there). It was funny, and Phil ended up going home with a plate full of barbecue, spaghetti, and baked beans. I found it rather hilarious, too :).

It was good for us to spend time together in a family-oriented environment. From that, I've begun to realize just how much this aspect of life appeals to him, and that makes him appeal to me that much more. He's really very sweet, and if he can get my very choosy parents to dig him, so much the better.

After he left, I sat down with mom to find out how things went. She said, "I'd feel better about him if he had a job and his own car. Do you like him?" I almost didn't know what to say. That she had so little to dislike shocked me beyond belief, lol.

So, all in all, things are looking well for me and P. I hope we stay together. I think I finally might want to adhere to a commitment this time, but we'll see...