*sigh*

From the looks of this blog, my life must appear to be one uncertainty after the other, with things never looking up. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, when I get worried and things stop looking their best, I start not liking myself. When that happens (sometimes frequently), I'll go inside myself and just pick apart what it is that displeases me about myself. Needless to say, I'm by no means easy on me, either.

But anyway...

Things began yesterday with a concession and continued today with a revelation--sort of.

My boyfriend P. came over yesterday afternoon, as planned, and we spent some time hanging out at my parents' house. We always have fun together anyway--sometimes too much fun and then end up furiously..umm..relieving ourselves once we're separated from each other. I don't think I need to tell you how frustrating this has become, but we don't want to put too much pressure on something that's still new and fragile. Well, that's more like how he feels. I'm more like trying to figure out why he's less than enthusiastic about things.

Being the person that I am, at my core I want to put pressure on him without putting pressure on him. It's just turning out that me trying to be lenient is making things worse for him by annoying the crap out of him and making him insensitive to my demands. What it's doing to me is making me feel like I have to restrain both word and deed around him, since it makes us both crazy. And sometimes it makes me a bitch. But back to yesterday:

So it's around 9 and I'm thinking that I need to be getting him back to the train station so he can catch the one he was supposed to get and go home. He doesn't want to leave yet and, even though we said that me taking him all the way back to where he lives (an hour away each way), he suggests that we watch a movie because he "really wants to". I personally don't like movies as I have a somewhat short attention span and can't really get into plots all that well. But he wants to, so I agree, albeit reluctantly. He swears up and down that it's a 45 minute trip each way, not an hour, like I know that it is (since I've driven it once before). But I agree and make that long-ass commute at 11pm.

I don't get home until 12:40-ish. My mom is pissed, as she swears up and down that I never said I was taking him that far. She thought I was just taking him to the local train which would get him downtown which would get him home. The thing that makes me mad is that he knew it would get me in trouble with my mom but he thought that I could just make it up to her by being good later.

Can you believe that? He doesn't care about me getting in trouble with my parents.. he just wants what he wants when he wants it, and he won't give me the same consideration. So that hurt me.. a lot.. cuz it sort of means that he doesn't really give a shit what happens, especially since it shouldn't really be that big of a deal to make a dent into my relationship with my parents. And yet, when I asked him to tell his parents about me, he refused because he doesn't have "that kind of relationship with them where it's ok to tell them things like that". I just got hosed.

So now my mom won't speak to me, and my dad's angry with me too. And this other guy basically said I was a gold-digging bitch that won't give it up, and I just feel like nobody ever wants me to say no to them but they still won't give me what I want either. It's not fair, and I just feel so frustrated that I could sit here at work and start bawling my eyes out.

I can't stop thinking about February and whether or not that has anything to do with me being unable to say no right now. I wish I could talk to a counselor or something, but I definitely can't afford that right now. So there's really nothing I can do but just wait for the storm to pass, I guess. I dunno.

It's not that everything's always wrong in my life, just that I turn to blogging when things look bleak.