It's been almost two years!

I can't believe it's been two years almost since I've done the blogger thing.

When I reread all this, it kind of takes my breath away. Here I am, going into my third year of law school, working as a prosecutor with the board of education for their truancy and expulsion hearings. I'm more confident in my own abilities, and I've secured employment consistently since I've been in school.

I'm not a vastly different person from the girl I was two years ago, but I have to say that my feelings are different now. I'm glad. Life brings some great changes, thankfully. I'm sure that a few years from now I'll look on this post and feel differently.

I'm no longer dating P., but I am seeing the guy that I saw when I was in college. It's a chance for us to see if we would really work on a long-term basis. It seems so. The only reason we broke up was my moving down here. So.. we're pretty much seeing where it goes.

I'm sorry. Right now I'm enjoying a beer and I can't say that my thoughts are all coherent. But I'm feeling good. Plans to run a half marathon in September and a full marathon by next year. Life is pretty good, and I have to say that for the first time I'm happy with myself. I think that's what growing up is, really.

*sigh*

From the looks of this blog, my life must appear to be one uncertainty after the other, with things never looking up. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, when I get worried and things stop looking their best, I start not liking myself. When that happens (sometimes frequently), I'll go inside myself and just pick apart what it is that displeases me about myself. Needless to say, I'm by no means easy on me, either.

But anyway...

Things began yesterday with a concession and continued today with a revelation--sort of.

My boyfriend P. came over yesterday afternoon, as planned, and we spent some time hanging out at my parents' house. We always have fun together anyway--sometimes too much fun and then end up furiously..umm..relieving ourselves once we're separated from each other. I don't think I need to tell you how frustrating this has become, but we don't want to put too much pressure on something that's still new and fragile. Well, that's more like how he feels. I'm more like trying to figure out why he's less than enthusiastic about things.

Being the person that I am, at my core I want to put pressure on him without putting pressure on him. It's just turning out that me trying to be lenient is making things worse for him by annoying the crap out of him and making him insensitive to my demands. What it's doing to me is making me feel like I have to restrain both word and deed around him, since it makes us both crazy. And sometimes it makes me a bitch. But back to yesterday:

So it's around 9 and I'm thinking that I need to be getting him back to the train station so he can catch the one he was supposed to get and go home. He doesn't want to leave yet and, even though we said that me taking him all the way back to where he lives (an hour away each way), he suggests that we watch a movie because he "really wants to". I personally don't like movies as I have a somewhat short attention span and can't really get into plots all that well. But he wants to, so I agree, albeit reluctantly. He swears up and down that it's a 45 minute trip each way, not an hour, like I know that it is (since I've driven it once before). But I agree and make that long-ass commute at 11pm.

I don't get home until 12:40-ish. My mom is pissed, as she swears up and down that I never said I was taking him that far. She thought I was just taking him to the local train which would get him downtown which would get him home. The thing that makes me mad is that he knew it would get me in trouble with my mom but he thought that I could just make it up to her by being good later.

Can you believe that? He doesn't care about me getting in trouble with my parents.. he just wants what he wants when he wants it, and he won't give me the same consideration. So that hurt me.. a lot.. cuz it sort of means that he doesn't really give a shit what happens, especially since it shouldn't really be that big of a deal to make a dent into my relationship with my parents. And yet, when I asked him to tell his parents about me, he refused because he doesn't have "that kind of relationship with them where it's ok to tell them things like that". I just got hosed.

So now my mom won't speak to me, and my dad's angry with me too. And this other guy basically said I was a gold-digging bitch that won't give it up, and I just feel like nobody ever wants me to say no to them but they still won't give me what I want either. It's not fair, and I just feel so frustrated that I could sit here at work and start bawling my eyes out.

I can't stop thinking about February and whether or not that has anything to do with me being unable to say no right now. I wish I could talk to a counselor or something, but I definitely can't afford that right now. So there's really nothing I can do but just wait for the storm to pass, I guess. I dunno.

It's not that everything's always wrong in my life, just that I turn to blogging when things look bleak.

Sometimes I wonder...

...what it's like for people who have interests in everything. They seem so happy, with all their Saturdays and Sundays planned, schedule highlighted in shades of green and yellow.
Plans. A color-coded life.

So much to keep track of. So many opinions to label and categorize.

How can you keep from spreading yourself too thin?

I prefer not to form opinions of things. Or, rather, I never care enough to do so. There's so much to maintain in my own life, how can I be an informed citizen of the world with enough fire and passion to add spark to the causes for which people fight and die? It's not that I don't care about the people facing the issues. It's that the issues themselves seem like so much self-imposed heartache. We could all get along better if we didn't try so hard.

But then I think how that must look to other people. My unabridged list of interests can't compare to the involvement of the average person these days. We're for; we're against. Personally.. I'd rather be neither/nor.

confessions of an almost-1L

Anyway, I was just thinking about myself. Everyone has those times when she doubts her own worth and wonders if she's really good enough. Today, I keep wondering what about me makes me good enough to go to law school.. there are so many other people who seeem brighter and much more adept than I am, and yet they're not in the same position. Why? Or a better question: why not? If I deserve this, as people claim, then why don't those other people who have scads of info bits tucked away in their brains and think much more clearly and rationally than me?


I guess the world's just full of wonders that never cease.

Anyway, I've been doing internet research for tips on going to law school from people who have been where I'll be treading in about...5 weeks or so. I was nervous about college, but I knew I'd make it. Law school's a totally different ballgame, though. From the smartest selection of the most hardworking college students.. the cum laudes and the suma cum laudes, who were valedictorians and salutatorians in high school and who learned to read when they were 2 and 3.. these are the people I'll be up against, fighting tooth and nail to secure a coveted spot in the top 10% of my class. My grades are no longer dependent upon my own best work. In a way, that's hella scary, but in another way it's rather enlightening. It's all out of my hands. So all I can do is my best, as that's the only thing I can control.

In that sense, I guess I'm no longer really apprehensive about law school, just waiting for it all to begin. I want to open myself up to everything that this new experience has to offer. Before that all happens, though, I really need to get my life in order; namely, my living situation needs straightening out. I'm moving into the basement where I can have my own space and stuff, so.. I need to paint it and get carpeting for the floor and decorations and stuff. It's exciting, expensive, and time consuming to decorate a new place, man.

Celebrating Independence Day

I dunno how many other women have brought boyfriends home to meet the parents for the first time. I haven't done it much since my parents are rather nutzo and to date haven't really cared for anyone I wanted to go out with. Yesterday didn't seem like it'd be any different, but then things took a turn for the better.



I haven't been dating P. for very long, but things just seemed to click between us. We started our relationship on a scathing sense of humor and an eye for ribbing one another. It's been difficult, but knowing that he cares as much as he does has made it easier to swallow the insults as easily as I dish them out myself.

Anyway, he'd been over my house before on several unsupervised visits. No, I'm not 16, but I do live with my parents. No worries.. it was while they were vacationing.

Anyways, yesterday my white boyfriend in his white Taurus pulls up in front of the house and steps out into the all-black ghetto neighborhood. Needless to say, things looked a little strange for everyone involved. But my parents were unbelievably gracious for the most part. I was shocked by the facility with which they handled the situation. Everyone except my dad, of course. Since he's been diagnosed with diabetes, he's expecting everyone to fuss and fret over him. So he basically whined and complained about his current situation in front of P. at their first meeting. I was rather mortified, until I got over it.

I'm dating a boy with a Jewish heritage and it seems like my mom was trying to force-feed him just like a Jewish mother would. (No offense to any Jewish moms out there). It was funny, and Phil ended up going home with a plate full of barbecue, spaghetti, and baked beans. I found it rather hilarious, too :).

It was good for us to spend time together in a family-oriented environment. From that, I've begun to realize just how much this aspect of life appeals to him, and that makes him appeal to me that much more. He's really very sweet, and if he can get my very choosy parents to dig him, so much the better.

After he left, I sat down with mom to find out how things went. She said, "I'd feel better about him if he had a job and his own car. Do you like him?" I almost didn't know what to say. That she had so little to dislike shocked me beyond belief, lol.

So, all in all, things are looking well for me and P. I hope we stay together. I think I finally might want to adhere to a commitment this time, but we'll see...

Perfectionism and me

some crap about my perfectionism...

Step 1: In your journal, answer the following questions:

a. What characteristics of perfectionism are true for me? How do these perfectionistic traits impede my efforts to change my problematic behavior?

"It is unacceptable to make a mistake. I have no value in life unless I am successful. There is no sense in trying to do something unless I can do it perfectly, e.g., ``I don't attempt things I can't do well.'' I am a human being prone to error, frailty and imperfections; The ideal is what is real; unless I reach the ideal I am a failure. You must always reach the ideal no matter what. If those in authority say this is the way it is supposed to be, then that is the way it is supposed to be. "


These negative and perfectionist traits impede my efforts by reminding me that I am prone to error and not perfect until it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and I just get depressed about it.




b. What irrational beliefs of perfectionists do I ascribe to? How do these beliefs influence my desire to change? How do these beliefs contribute to a failure script in my efforts to change? What rational alternatives can I adopt to reduce the negative impact of perfectionism in my life?

Sometimes I want to change, but I always feel like it's too hard, and I never will achieve what I set out to do anyway so there's no point in trying.. Or sometimes, others are so great at what they do that they never have to go through any of the things that I experience.

c. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life? What am I doing to address these negative issues in my life? How do these negative issues affect my past and current efforts to change my problematical behavior?

I end up feeling really bad about dumb things that other people could care less about, and I spend hours upon hours beating myself up for things that aren't worth the drama. When I feel stupid, I'm even less motivated to change my behavior because it sends me into a sort of low-self-esteem and depression spiral. This can get really bad, as it usually does in winter.

d. What new rational behavior do I need to develop in order to overcome the negative impact of perfectionism? How will these new behavior traits help me to fully achieve change in my life?

I need to accept that one mistake is not the end of the world. I already know that it's not because I've screwed things up before. And the more pressure I put on myself to succeed without incident, the more nervous and more likely I am to fuck things up. If I could just relax and be a little more low key, perhaps people would like me better as well, and then I could be happier in my life in addition to being less of a high-strung person.

e. How can my social support system help me in overcoming my perfectionistic attitude? What contributes to perfectionism in my support system? What changes in my support system would reduce its perfectionistic character?

I don't know anyone in my own life who isn't a perfectionist. P. might not be, but I know my mom is, and I suspect the same thing is true of my dad. It affects them in different ways, however. If I could deal less with them, then I'd probably be less likely to feel worthless. But it's not their fault.. it's an internal punishment thing I seem to do.
f. How does dealing with my perfectionism help me in my efforts to change? How well does perfectionism explain why past attempts to change have failed?

If all human beings are imperfect, yet one must reach the ideal at all times and all costs, how can this theory be correct? It seems fundamentally flawed. Even the theory of perfectionism itself is imperfect! Crazy.

That just further cements the idea that nothing really has the capacity to be perfect. So why do I even try to be perfect? Because I want to.. but I end up so frustrated. I should just try to be me and let that be good enough.



I'm still workin on things here.

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

On Aging

I'd hate to sound like I'm always whining/complaining about something, but this has been on my mind for awhile.

I know that nobody really wants to get old, that it's a side effect of living. I suppose that if one's enjoying one's life, then it's not such a big deal to get old. That just means you've got yet more days to enjoy life for what it is. But I sit and think about aging and I get frightened. And if I'm not frightened, then I'm rather disgusted.

Sometimes I can see the appeal in "live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse."



I love my parents mightily. They're wonderful people, full of wisdom and fun (for the most part). But I hate to hear them complain about their aches and pains, high blood pressure, etc. Just yesterday, on our way home from church, we had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my dad's prescription and I was reminded of their aging. I remember when he was a younger, more vigorous man. He would lay on his back with his knees propped up. Then he'd sit both me and my brother on his feet and raise his feet and lower legs as though they were on hinges. My brother and I would hold on for dear life and it felt just like a roller coaster, just like we were about to slide off Daddy's legs and onto his stomach. It's a shame to think that that kind of thing won't happen anymore, probably not even with his grandchildren. By the time they're born, he'll be way too old and too weak.

It's rather disappointing to see the way that age saps the vitality from those who were once sprightly. As a matter of fact, the more vigorous a person is in youth, the more heartbreaking it is to see him get older and slower, losing that energy that seemed to lighten him from within.

Not that old people's lights are all extinguished. Far from it. I'd say my grandma looks way better at 70 than some women who are 20 years younger. But she does look like my grandma. And I know that one day she won't be able to make these cross-country trips to visit us for every little milestone in our lives.

Right now, I'm just really enjoying being young. I'm limber, capable of recharging my energy quickly, capable of quick wit and adapting to change. My skin is elastic and as yet unwrinkled. I'm grateful for that, but I don't want to get too caught up in it, as any deviation from this norm will probably just remind me of my own mortality.

Sometimes I can see the appeal in "live fast; die young, and leave a beautiful corpse".

Aging isn't something meant to be feared or dreaded, however. I'd like to suggest that every gray hair, every age spot and wrinkle is a badge of honor earned for courage in the face of life's uncertainties, which anyone who's lived long enough knows are many. I am thankful for each moment now, and for any opportunities to experience future seconds. I want to see the progression of my own life, and the only way to do that is to live it. Age doesn't necessarily breed wisdom, but it does breed experience, wisdom's precursor. So.. in that sense, I'm looking forward to continuing my own journey. We'll see where the road leads.