Just Press Restart

It's been almost two years!

2008-06-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been two years almost since I've done the blogger thing.

When I reread all this, it kind of takes my breath away. Here I am, going into my third year of law school, working as a prosecutor with the board of education for their truancy and expulsion hearings. I'm more confident in my own abilities, and I've secured employment consistently since I've been in school.

I'm not a vastly different person from the girl I was two years ago, but I have to say that my feelings are different now. I'm glad. Life brings some great changes, thankfully. I'm sure that a few years from now I'll look on this post and feel differently.

I'm no longer dating P., but I am seeing the guy that I saw when I was in college. It's a chance for us to see if we would really work on a long-term basis. It seems so. The only reason we broke up was my moving down here. So.. we're pretty much seeing where it goes.

I'm sorry. Right now I'm enjoying a beer and I can't say that my thoughts are all coherent. But I'm feeling good. Plans to run a half marathon in September and a full marathon by next year. Life is pretty good, and I have to say that for the first time I'm happy with myself. I think that's what growing up is, really.

sigh

2006-07-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

From the looks of this blog, my life must appear to be one uncertainty after the other, with things never looking up. I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, when I get worried and things stop looking their best, I start not liking myself. When that happens (sometimes frequently), I'll go inside myself and just pick apart what it is that displeases me about myself. Needless to say, I'm by no means easy on me, either.

But anyway...

Things began yesterday with a concession and continued today with a revelation--sort of.

My boyfriend P. came over yesterday afternoon, as planned, and we spent some time hanging out at my parents' house. We always have fun together anyway--sometimes too much fun and then end up furiously..umm..relieving ourselves once we're separated from each other. I don't think I need to tell you how frustrating this has become, but we don't want to put too much pressure on something that's still new and fragile. Well, that's more like how he feels. I'm more like trying to figure out why he's less than enthusiastic about things.

Being the person that I am, at my core I want to put pressure on him without putting pressure on him. It's just turning out that me trying to be lenient is making things worse for him by annoying the crap out of him and making him insensitive to my demands. What it's doing to me is making me feel like I have to restrain both word and deed around him, since it makes us both crazy. And sometimes it makes me a bitch. But back to yesterday:

So it's around 9 and I'm thinking that I need to be getting him back to the train station so he can catch the one he was supposed to get and go home. He doesn't want to leave yet and, even though we said that me taking him all the way back to where he lives (an hour away each way), he suggests that we watch a movie because he "really wants to". I personally don't like movies as I have a somewhat short attention span and can't really get into plots all that well. But he wants to, so I agree, albeit reluctantly. He swears up and down that it's a 45 minute trip each way, not an hour, like I know that it is (since I've driven it once before). But I agree and make that long-ass commute at 11pm.

I don't get home until 12:40-ish. My mom is pissed, as she swears up and down that I never said I was taking him that far. She thought I was just taking him to the local train which would get him downtown which would get him home. The thing that makes me mad is that he knew it would get me in trouble with my mom but he thought that I could just make it up to her by being good later.

Can you believe that? He doesn't care about me getting in trouble with my parents.. he just wants what he wants when he wants it, and he won't give me the same consideration. So that hurt me.. a lot.. cuz it sort of means that he doesn't really give a shit what happens, especially since it shouldn't really be that big of a deal to make a dent into my relationship with my parents. And yet, when I asked him to tell his parents about me, he refused because he doesn't have "that kind of relationship with them where it's ok to tell them things like that". I just got hosed.

So now my mom won't speak to me, and my dad's angry with me too. And this other guy basically said I was a gold-digging bitch that won't give it up, and I just feel like nobody ever wants me to say no to them but they still won't give me what I want either. It's not fair, and I just feel so frustrated that I could sit here at work and start bawling my eyes out.

I can't stop thinking about February and whether or not that has anything to do with me being unable to say no right now. I wish I could talk to a counselor or something, but I definitely can't afford that right now. So there's really nothing I can do but just wait for the storm to pass, I guess. I dunno.

It's not that everything's always wrong in my life, just that I turn to blogging when things look bleak.

Sometimes I wonder...

2006-07-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

...what it's like for people who have interests in everything. They seem so happy, with all their Saturdays and Sundays planned, schedule highlighted in shades of green and yellow.
Plans. A color-coded life.

So much to keep track of. So many opinions to label and categorize.

How can you keep from spreading yourself too thin?

I prefer not to form opinions of things. Or, rather, I never care enough to do so. There's so much to maintain in my own life, how can I be an informed citizen of the world with enough fire and passion to add spark to the causes for which people fight and die? It's not that I don't care about the people facing the issues. It's that the issues themselves seem like so much self-imposed heartache. We could all get along better if we didn't try so hard.

But then I think how that must look to other people. My unabridged list of interests can't compare to the involvement of the average person these days. We're for; we're against. Personally.. I'd rather be neither/nor.

confessions of an almost-1L

2006-07-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

Anyway, I was just thinking about myself. Everyone has those times when she doubts her own worth and wonders if she's really good enough. Today, I keep wondering what about me makes me good enough to go to law school.. there are so many other people who seeem brighter and much more adept than I am, and yet they're not in the same position. Why? Or a better question: why not? If I deserve this, as people claim, then why don't those other people who have scads of info bits tucked away in their brains and think much more clearly and rationally than me?

I guess the world's just full of wonders that never cease.

Anyway, I've been doing internet research for tips on going to law school from people who have been where I'll be treading in about...5 weeks or so. I was nervous about college, but I knew I'd make it. Law school's a totally different ballgame, though. From the smartest selection of the most hardworking college students.. the cum laudes and the suma cum laudes, who were valedictorians and salutatorians in high school and who learned to read when they were 2 and 3.. these are the people I'll be up against, fighting tooth and nail to secure a coveted spot in the top 10% of my class. My grades are no longer dependent upon my own best work. In a way, that's hella scary, but in another way it's rather enlightening. It's all out of my hands. So all I can do is my best, as that's the only thing I can control.

In that sense, I guess I'm no longer really apprehensive about law school, just waiting for it all to begin. I want to open myself up to everything that this new experience has to offer. Before that all happens, though, I really need to get my life in order; namely, my living situation needs straightening out. I'm moving into the basement where I can have my own space and stuff, so.. I need to paint it and get carpeting for the floor and decorations and stuff. It's exciting, expensive, and time consuming to decorate a new place, man.

Celebrating Independence Day

2006-07-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

I dunno how many other women have brought boyfriends home to meet the parents for the first time. I haven't done it much since my parents are rather nutzo and to date haven't really cared for anyone I wanted to go out with. Yesterday didn't seem like it'd be any different, but then things took a turn for the better.

I haven't been dating P. for very long, but things just seemed to click between us. We started our relationship on a scathing sense of humor and an eye for ribbing one another. It's been difficult, but knowing that he cares as much as he does has made it easier to swallow the insults as easily as I dish them out myself.

Anyway, he'd been over my house before on several unsupervised visits. No, I'm not 16, but I do live with my parents. No worries.. it was while they were vacationing.

Anyways, yesterday my white boyfriend in his white Taurus pulls up in front of the house and steps out into the all-black ghetto neighborhood. Needless to say, things looked a little strange for everyone involved. But my parents were unbelievably gracious for the most part. I was shocked by the facility with which they handled the situation. Everyone except my dad, of course. Since he's been diagnosed with diabetes, he's expecting everyone to fuss and fret over him. So he basically whined and complained about his current situation in front of P. at their first meeting. I was rather mortified, until I got over it.

I'm dating a boy with a Jewish heritage and it seems like my mom was trying to force-feed him just like a Jewish mother would. (No offense to any Jewish moms out there). It was funny, and Phil ended up going home with a plate full of barbecue, spaghetti, and baked beans. I found it rather hilarious, too :).

It was good for us to spend time together in a family-oriented environment. From that, I've begun to realize just how much this aspect of life appeals to him, and that makes him appeal to me that much more. He's really very sweet, and if he can get my very choosy parents to dig him, so much the better.

After he left, I sat down with mom to find out how things went. She said, "I'd feel better about him if he had a job and his own car. Do you like him?" I almost didn't know what to say. That she had so little to dislike shocked me beyond belief, lol.

So, all in all, things are looking well for me and P. I hope we stay together. I think I finally might want to adhere to a commitment this time, but we'll see...

Perfectionism and me

2006-06-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

some crap about my perfectionism...

Step 1: In your journal, answer the following questions:

a. What characteristics of perfectionism are true for me? How do these perfectionistic traits impede my efforts to change my problematic behavior?

"It is unacceptable to make a mistake. I have no value in life unless I am successful. There is no sense in trying to do something unless I can do it perfectly, e.g., ``I don't attempt things I can't do well.'' I am a human being prone to error, frailty and imperfections; The ideal is what is real; unless I reach the ideal I am a failure. You must always reach the ideal no matter what. If those in authority say this is the way it is supposed to be, then that is the way it is supposed to be. "

These negative and perfectionist traits impede my efforts by reminding me that I am prone to error and not perfect until it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and I just get depressed about it.

b. What irrational beliefs of perfectionists do I ascribe to? How do these beliefs influence my desire to change? How do these beliefs contribute to a failure script in my efforts to change? What rational alternatives can I adopt to reduce the negative impact of perfectionism in my life?

Sometimes I want to change, but I always feel like it's too hard, and I never will achieve what I set out to do anyway so there's no point in trying.. Or sometimes, others are so great at what they do that they never have to go through any of the things that I experience.

c. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life? What am I doing to address these negative issues in my life? How do these negative issues affect my past and current efforts to change my problematical behavior?

I end up feeling really bad about dumb things that other people could care less about, and I spend hours upon hours beating myself up for things that aren't worth the drama. When I feel stupid, I'm even less motivated to change my behavior because it sends me into a sort of low-self-esteem and depression spiral. This can get really bad, as it usually does in winter.

d. What new rational behavior do I need to develop in order to overcome the negative impact of perfectionism? How will these new behavior traits help me to fully achieve change in my life?

I need to accept that one mistake is not the end of the world. I already know that it's not because I've screwed things up before. And the more pressure I put on myself to succeed without incident, the more nervous and more likely I am to fuck things up. If I could just relax and be a little more low key, perhaps people would like me better as well, and then I could be happier in my life in addition to being less of a high-strung person.

e. How can my social support system help me in overcoming my perfectionistic attitude? What contributes to perfectionism in my support system? What changes in my support system would reduce its perfectionistic character?

I don't know anyone in my own life who isn't a perfectionist. P. might not be, but I know my mom is, and I suspect the same thing is true of my dad. It affects them in different ways, however. If I could deal less with them, then I'd probably be less likely to feel worthless. But it's not their fault.. it's an internal punishment thing I seem to do.
f. How does dealing with my perfectionism help me in my efforts to change? How well does perfectionism explain why past attempts to change have failed?

If all human beings are imperfect, yet one must reach the ideal at all times and all costs, how can this theory be correct? It seems fundamentally flawed. Even the theory of perfectionism itself is imperfect! Crazy.

That just further cements the idea that nothing really has the capacity to be perfect. So why do I even try to be perfect? Because I want to.. but I end up so frustrated. I should just try to be me and let that be good enough.

I'm still workin on things here.

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

2006-06-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

On Aging

2006-06-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'd hate to sound like I'm always whining/complaining about something, but this has been on my mind for awhile.

I know that nobody really wants to get old, that it's a side effect of living. I suppose that if one's enjoying one's life, then it's not such a big deal to get old. That just means you've got yet more days to enjoy life for what it is. But I sit and think about aging and I get frightened. And if I'm not frightened, then I'm rather disgusted.

Sometimes I can see the appeal in "live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse."

I love my parents mightily. They're wonderful people, full of wisdom and fun (for the most part). But I hate to hear them complain about their aches and pains, high blood pressure, etc. Just yesterday, on our way home from church, we had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my dad's prescription and I was reminded of their aging. I remember when he was a younger, more vigorous man. He would lay on his back with his knees propped up. Then he'd sit both me and my brother on his feet and raise his feet and lower legs as though they were on hinges. My brother and I would hold on for dear life and it felt just like a roller coaster, just like we were about to slide off Daddy's legs and onto his stomach. It's a shame to think that that kind of thing won't happen anymore, probably not even with his grandchildren. By the time they're born, he'll be way too old and too weak.

It's rather disappointing to see the way that age saps the vitality from those who were once sprightly. As a matter of fact, the more vigorous a person is in youth, the more heartbreaking it is to see him get older and slower, losing that energy that seemed to lighten him from within.

Not that old people's lights are all extinguished. Far from it. I'd say my grandma looks way better at 70 than some women who are 20 years younger. But she does look like my grandma. And I know that one day she won't be able to make these cross-country trips to visit us for every little milestone in our lives.

Right now, I'm just really enjoying being young. I'm limber, capable of recharging my energy quickly, capable of quick wit and adapting to change. My skin is elastic and as yet unwrinkled. I'm grateful for that, but I don't want to get too caught up in it, as any deviation from this norm will probably just remind me of my own mortality.

Sometimes I can see the appeal in "live fast; die young, and leave a beautiful corpse".

Aging isn't something meant to be feared or dreaded, however. I'd like to suggest that every gray hair, every age spot and wrinkle is a badge of honor earned for courage in the face of life's uncertainties, which anyone who's lived long enough knows are many. I am thankful for each moment now, and for any opportunities to experience future seconds. I want to see the progression of my own life, and the only way to do that is to live it. Age doesn't necessarily breed wisdom, but it does breed experience, wisdom's precursor. So.. in that sense, I'm looking forward to continuing my own journey. We'll see where the road leads.

the weekend wrap

2006-06-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Rereading my last couple of posts, it seems like my life is pretty much all bad. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I remember right after graduation from U of M this past April I felt the hugest sense of possibility, like anything could happen. While some people would get unnerved by that sense, it just felt like tons of doors were now opened to me, that I'd been accepted into a highly selective group of individuals who had accomplished the same achievement as me. I still feel that sense of possibility even now, despite the uselessness of my BA.

Another cool feature of my life that bears mentioning is the increase in relationship possibilities. Now, let me make it clear that I sincerely don't have plans for marriage in the near future. As a matter of fact, I have every intention of finishing law school before I even begin to plan that aspect of my life. Right now it's just nice to have more than one, or even a couple of options. I like the qualities of these guys, and although there are some things I'd like to change, I'm not in any hurry. Besides, I coupld probably use some more work on myself as well.

It'd be great to have a steady job in which I could establish myself before law school starts in what looks like a month and a half. I can hardly believe that I'll be a student again in graduate/professional school. It barely feels like I finished everything I was supposed to accomplish for undergrad, but then again, they still have yet to mail my diploma.

Well, there are still a couple weeks left on my contract at my temp job. It's nice to feel like I'm established there and that people know and like me. I feel like I do a good job, for the most part, even though some corners don't get settled as well as others. This job really requires integrity and commitment to doing a job well. That's important, especially with the way things are gonna go very soon. Sorry if that was terribly cryptic, but I just don't feel like going into detail.

That's about it for this time. I'm excited about this coming week as I will be having an overnight guest. We have no plans for that kind of intimacy, but it's still exciting to know that I'll have him all to myself for a night. Woohoo, sleepovers are the best!

Have a great Monday.

Transmissions from the Margin

2006-06-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

I've never claimed to be a perfect person, and I don't expect that other people will be either. I've made my share of racist jokes at one point or another, and there's always a small part of me that cringes in spite of the laughter, knowing that it's not right. Despite these shortcomings, however, I consider myself considerate enough of other people not to really go there unless I'm comfortable enough with them to make that kind of remark.

The sad part is that, in this world, I'm constantly reminded that I'm a black person. The problem isn't that I don't want to be black, but that I have to be reminded of it constantly. Whether people are actively doing things to me or not, I still have to think about it. That's what's not fair. I try to get some people to understand that the fact that I bring it up to them doesn't imply that I believe them to be racists.. and it's really sad that all arguments about difference are reduced to that point. I don't believe that all white people are overt racists, or even the vast majority. I believe that a lot of white people (and other races as well) are guilty of buying into the system because it serves their purposes. And even though those purposes aren't always for the good, I believe that going along with the system is much easier than pushing against the mob.

I think that it's really sad that some people feel that me having a problem with something that affects me personally as a black person is a sign of weakness. I am not a weak person in need of constant reassurance, and it is wrong for a person capable of sensitivity to ignore or assume that sensitivity is unnecessary. It is wrong to assume that we are all on equal footing; we are not. Despite all the gains that society has made to equalize, women are still shortchanged with pay and nonwhites are just that: nonwhites. We are marginalized against a standard that uses white people as the normal. It is unfair that people think that this argument is a position that should be held by blacks, and that my blackness is the only reason I hold these beliefs. It seems as though because of that fact, this argument becomes trivialized. Life's not fair, but I shouldn't just have to "deal with it". It should be made equitable.

Sometimes I feel like white people have "allowed" us into "their" world. I want to feel entitled to a space where I am, as a person, legitimized--not because of my skin tone or my vagina, but because I am me.

Thus ends my rant for today.

it's never enough.

2006-06-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

So... I've always been terribly high strung, despite any outward attempts to keep things cool and easy. Ever since I was little, I've been a bundle of nerves, always trying to please people: parents, friends (the few I was able to keep--most people were too much work so I dropped 'em like bad habits), boyfriends, teachers, bosses. And even though there were always tons of things I did right, at the end of the day, I could never stop harping on all the negative things that I managed to squeeze into the stream of good things I accomplished.

I, like many other pop psychologists would analyze my insane desire to please thusly:

1. Perfectionism: I'm so hung up on doing things perfectly that I worry myself into failure. This morning, for example, I was stocking the work refrigerators with grapefruit juice (as part of my other administrative assistant duties) and the plastic cover that I was holding the box by popped loose, letting 24 individual bottles of grapefruit juice skitter across the floor. I was right in front of an open doorway of developers and the only word that would describe my feelings is "mortification". I let out this unearthly "UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" that must have sounded like pain to the girl who works at the desk a few feet away from me, and she came running out to check. And that just made me even more embarrassed. But why freak out so much about it when accidents just happen? That's the perfectionism in me.

2. "Middle Child Syndrome": I've coined a new psychological term! Well, maybe not, but I'm sure you all know what I mean by this. The middle child wants to please her parents in order to get attention so she does whatever they want in order to make sure that they're pleased with her and don't forget her. See, this would make a lot more sense if I was actually a middle child. In reality, I'm the youngest of only two kids. So what's up with that?

3. Fear of Rejection: I struggle with this constantly. No matter how accepted I am, I don't want to ever feel rejected. So, I strive to give people no reason not to like me. And I equate my personal value with my work. Yes, I know it's a fault, but I really just want people to be okay with me, and then maybe--just maybe--I could be okay with myself. That's the lame foundation I'm built on.

This one Mad TV episode featured a psychologist who claimed to cure a patient of any bad habit, phobia, complex, or anything, in five minutes or less. The gag was that the guy would see these patients with supremely complicated issues and tell them these three words: "Just STOP it!".

"But doctor," she'd protest, "This advice really isn't helpin--"

"Just STOP it!" The doctor just cuts her off again.

Anyway, there are things about myself I know I should change, but I can't really accomplish much with "Just STOP it!" The problem with me from 2 years ago, was that I just didn't have the tools to change what I needed to change in my life. Once I got more of what I needed, things went much better and I felt happier. I just want to be in control, and not to have to worry about things.

In thinking about one of the better relationships that I've had (which failed, incidentally lol) I realized that what drew me to the person was the feeling that I could be myself, and that whatever I was--whoever I was--that was perfectly okay. As a matter of fact, even when I completely embarrassed myself in ways that human beings really shouldn't, he still found me as interesting, valuable, and lovable. It wasn't despite my flaws.. it was more like he wanted me with all of them.

I know that one day I'll be really loved like that again.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Just Press Restart

It's been almost two years!

*sigh*

Sometimes I wonder...

confessions of an almost-1L

Celebrating Independence Day

Perfectionism and me

The Last Duchess: GOP Launches Yet More Assaults on Minority (read: Democratic) Voters

On Aging

the weekend wrap

Transmissions from the Margin

it's never enough.

sigh